Breathing

I'm finding my way back to sanity again // Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there // Take a breath and hold on tight // Spin around one more time // And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace.

Coz I am hanging on every word you say // And even if you don't want to speak tonight // That's alright, alright with me // 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing // It's where I want to be yeah.

I'm looking past the shadows of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head // God which one's you? // Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive // And break these calluses off of me // One more time.

-Lifehouse

All maybe's, all why's..

Note: I am avoiding to speak on FB or FS for the reason that I don’t want literally everyone to know anything. I chose only a few people to know my URL and it’s not like the world knows that superkeiii.blogspot exists. So I think I am confident to speak my mind to few readers only.

My mind is on a constant battle with my heart. There’s still that cloud hanging above my head. I know I can never make anyone change. I never had the power to do that to anyone aside from myself. Wanting to change is a decision but changing is a choice. The whole thing is like walking on thin ice and I’m sure I did my part well—to start again and be a better person than before. But at the end of the day, I took home a wrecked heart. I can never please anyone no matter how sincerely hard I try and no matter how many different ways I tried to tell you "I'm sorry, I love you", it will always be senseless. And no matter what I do, friends will always be more favoured than me.

But I learned something, a friend will never say something that will put your life on the pits. Instead, a friend will pray for you and tell you something God wants you to know—whether you're wrong or right.

Life goes on. Tomorrow will still be tomorrow. We can’t live dwelling on the past. Nevertheless, I won't say or do anything that I will regret after the rain clouds disappear.

I'm alive!

Yes, this will be back for good. I'll be updating here instead at Facebook and Multiply. However, there'll be full restriction on the comments. In short, the things I'm gonna post here are for your eyes only. This goes to everyone. :)

But you know, you can always comment on this to me in person or in anyway you want. And before I forget, I don't have my cellphone anymore and I'm not planning on having a new one for now. You can delete me now in your phone books. But I still have my landline.

By the way. I'm on the process of going back to school this semester and completing my clinics as fast as I can. I'll also be back on chilling with my charcs! Yeyyy! I missed drawing so much! :( I'm also hoping to find time to make a new layout for this site.

So there. I'll be very busy. But I'll update this as much as I can and I hope you guys will check it here lage.

Be good! :)

ps. mai & jawi...sorry!

The other half

I still watch him sleep. I still watch him breathe. It amazes me how he could possibly choose me to spend the rest of his life with. Happy anniversary. :)

My Dearest Princess

Happy 1st Birthday :)
Mom loves u so much.

Some people..

will hug you
will rejoice with you
will make you feel loved

..and will blatantly stab you with words behind your back.

They won't talk to you directly, but they will--indirectly in front of many eyes.

Some things are just too hard to change.

How juvenile.
How sad..

Blog-worthy

I didn't intend to put much sentiment on this entry but I want to say this as I enter another level of life.

For opening the door when I knocked. For letting me in & for the eagerness to listen.
For every heartfelt story shared. For every emotion acknowledged and validated.
For crying with me and laughing with me. For the good times celebrated.
For being the friend I was blessed to have. Thank you.

Two

The paper-thin walls are crumbling.
Fissures run like scars across the surface.
Water leaks through like tears down the scaffolding.
It wells up. It swells up.
The terrible tide of an unmistakable furore rages through the walls, pushing through, roaring, crying, wailing.
Cut. Razor sharp.
It cuts through the skyline like knife against raw skin.
There is this terrifying urge to scratch and claw at the beautiful clouds. Those clouds that are sailing peacefully, obliviously across the azure expanse.
And now they are scudding.
Torn apart. Sliced up. Bleeding white. Bleeding gossamer of angel hair.
To self-mutilate. To deconstruct moments of perfection.
Have I lost your heart to the icy hollow void?
I was never yours at any point in our history.
We lost time.
Slipping sand of emotions. A landslide that might kill everything.
Everything we used to have. Everything.
Words left unsaid. A well-written bitterness.
Silence your secret screams. I will keep my silence until you break yours.
Shine. I will shine through your darkness.

She

I'm sorry.

Watching you go breaks my heart and remembering how we lost our grip breaks my broken heart. I probably made the wrong decision. But if it was meant to be, it'll come together again.

Different place, different time.

Busy Sign

My blog is currently on its lull period. I'll be updating as soon as I can :]

Closed

Thunder claps. I stared out the window through the curtain of rain drops at the pale gray sky. The world always looks so peaceful when it rains. Yet I am far from being remotely close to peaceful. I liked to believe that I was weathered enough to face all sorts of emotional curve balls thrown until one recently came from nowhere, at a force I was a little unprepared to handle. And now I feel lost and not-by-choice very alone.

Love :)

I glanced up and saw the moon, and it quite literally, took my breath away.

Do-it-yourself, home-based & absolutely free yoga

Early this morning, all of a sudden, I felt the urge to just sit on my bed facing the sunshine, be content for a moment, not think about the cases and exams, and enjoy the bright sunlight coming through my window with a smile. I am not an early-morning person, and I definitely do not wake up by myself when it's light or when it's noisy (I can sleep through anything hehe). But for that moment, I realized: "This is why people love waking up early, to see the sun smiling at you."

Dropping Daylight

Okay. This is an angry post.

Saturday. I opened my eyes awakening from a tired after-school nap. The sun unleashing its glamour for the last act. Streaks of crimson-lilac trails across the masking dusk. The pale cream curtain floating above me. The world was oh so pensively quiet. No clattering dishes and booming amplifiers. No incessant conversations from any of the rooms. No honking cars and no pesky singing youngsters. I closed my eyes again.

And I forgot Eunice's birthday celebration. I forgot the concert I agreed to go to. I forgot to have my drooping pants altered. I forgot to ask my girls how they've been doing. I forgot to check my email even though my mother reminded me several times during the week. I forgot to eat lunch and change into my pambahay. I missed a string of important text messages and phone calls. I even forgot to lock my keypad. I know, pathetic talaga. Above all, I forgot that it was a Sa-tur-day.

Time doesn't fly fast. It zooms off like a bullet in an ultrahighspeeding velocity. I can't barely tell where a week starts off and does it ever end.

Anyway. This is the thing. And I really need to let this off my chest. I was forced to exchange a couple of major subjects for a requisite (daw) Computer subject and a couple of Social Arts which only meant: 6 years and graduating on time + 1 year due to the exchange = I will be delayed for a year. No kidding. Seven years! Wew nemen.

Whine, whine.

So yes. The keimissinginaction thing points out that I have serious predicaments on how to deal with the damned situation because I surely do want to finish on time. And yes. I have a lot of extrinsic and intrinsic pressure going on because it seems like most people find my schooling abnormally sluggish and that I oughta be working by now and you are so wrong because 6 years is normal and I don't see anything wrong with that, DO YOU?

And also: A normal6yearsincollege is obviously different from a normal4yearsincollege. And now it is an awesomely distressing and abnormal 7yearsincollege. I don't know if there's a technical remedy for this and somehow I'm still hanging onto that little optimism left.

Okay, it's not your fault that you were unaware of my condition BUT that doesn't give you the liberty to judge me personally, especially in front of sooo many people. I just can't believe that some people would actually do that. The people I least expected to do the craptalking. So I am being selfish. And right now I am a little extra spaced out individual who couldn't care less about anything than solving my issues. Give me a break.

Another thing. Maybe if some people would just stop giving me that heylet'stalkcozisuperknowthatyouhavesomethingtotellme look and telling everybody that 'Oh she's away because she needs to find herself' ...oh my, whateverrr! And please stop treating me like, I have something emotional going on, so shoo people, I will bury myself into my hiding place, ...oh for conformity's sake, AS IF! Maybe if you guys would just stop doing that and ask me instead, things would feel a lot better.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I super appreciate the imissyoufactor plus the concern, but the gossipslashtactlessness is sadly immature and detrimental. I am seriously not happy about the situation and I am seriously not happy about the meforgettingthings habit. So please, before you judge a person, ask and try hard to understand things.

Mmmkay. I feel a lot better now.

Forgiving You, Forgiving Me

Everyone was once as vulnerable. I was reminded of that feeling. Of a juvenile memory, slowly waking up and reliving that deep cut of hatred and distress. The pain piercing the core of your essence and heaves you into a bottomless abyss of depletion. You could've avenged yourself but no, apart from being powerless, you know it will never do any good.

Nothing has changed. Or perhaps something has changed, but not much. What you see and what I see, differently of a seemingly exact same thing. Everything's different and yet the same.

I want to forgive as much as I want the wounds to heal.

Hide-and-Seek

Why do we always play hide-and-seek? We speak loud and fast on things that we won't remember tomorrow, and whisper only to ourselves what our hearts need to say the most. We listen to the words. Why can't we hear what comes underneath.

The Detonated Bomb

In the confusion and the aftermath you are my signal fire.

This morning I woke up with this feeling of somewhat peaceful and simple and sober. I’m seeing the higher road. A little push. A little intervention. A little attention to stop temptation to cry. It was a good day.

Famous quotes from yesterday (see February 25, 2007 post)

just this morning...
love spells t-i-m-e

Drowned in my well-hidden thoughts

I didn't think I would feel so tired until this morning. This morning I felt its urgency like an incisive cut through my skin. I'm feeling rather emotional these days. I wanna paint desperately but first of all I wish I can paint. So for now, I want to draw something intrinsic and extraordinary. Something that is true and pure. A work that tells everything and nothing at the same time. I need substantial time. To maneuver a paint brush. To illustrate a noble artwork and to put my soul in it.

Submerged

(sketch removed)

Sinking. How does it feel to sink, relenting to the pull of the tide, the waves..

Trapped in a rectangular space. Filled up to the head with water. Water that is tasteless, water that bubbles at the point of your nostrils.

Wave. Waving at me. Change. The colors are changing.

Blue. Cobalt. Refracting lights. Pale lips. Wide-open eyes, glassy. I can't get hold of the lights.

I am swallowing water. I am taking in deep breaths. I want to fill my lungs with water, so that I don't have to breathe anymore.

And the endless ocean. At world's end. No such thing. I wished I never knew. I wished I never came. For it is endless, ceaseless, forever out of reach.

And Myself. I watch as the me I saw underwater float lifelessly, with wide-open eyes, glassy and hopeless.

It is better that way. To ignore and drift, watching Myself than to watch Her turn into something else entirely alien.

I am so afraid

I can't concentrate. I am looking at the bright side, the silver lining, but I am still so afraid.

I am so afraid that I will not make it. Yes, shamefully, I do concede, it has something to do with everyone else. But most of all, it has everything to do with my future, which is drawing nearer and nearer, time ticking away ruthlessly, with its girdle tightening around me every day. I still jerk awake in the middle of the night sometimes, to a sudden fear that seized me by the arm. I need to remember that I will do what I have set out to do, and only hope and pray hard that it will lift me off and send me to the right direction.

If only I knew what to do. I want to think positively. I do. I just am so afraid.

Raindrops

How frequent do we ever get to sit and talk? We are perpetually running errands, doing something--busy busy busy, ignore ignore ignore, go go go, run run run--we never can grasp that little sliver of time just to sit down, face-to-face and talk.

Maybe that is why we sometimes find it awkward to be sitting right before a person, in flesh and blood, talking. Our whole lives are run by technology, so much so that we start blaming lack of communication on it.

Miscommunication. Words left unsaid. Reeling for a long time. Sitting in the darkness, perhaps we will get to understand each other so much better. Who knows.

There's much to heal in this world. For every wound that refuses to heal. For every angel that falls from the sky. For every hurt that hides beneath fragile wings. There's much to heal.

And so we turn to those we love and wonder, how can I make her see? That the key to her own happiness is within. We ask, how can I help her get through the pain? How can I mend the heart that shattered into a thousand little pieces? How can I make her see life is worth living again?

I sit with myself and the words echo in my mind. I cannot heal in others what is wounded in me.

I sit with myself and find faith. Faith that can see. It is the candle that glows in the dark. It is faith that tells me there is no need to suffer in spite of the pain, no need to lose myself when sorrow comes my way. That which tells me to be brave so I can inspire others to do the same. I am no longer blinded. I sit with myself and know. That in spite of all the hurt and sadness that creep their way in, life remains beautiful. Because I let it.

It has started to rain. No more rumbling. Just soft tears, pelting against my window.

Martian Connection

Please stop. Everytime you do, my heart leaps out of me and wraps around that hope. And everytime I realize it isn't really for me, I fall. Real hard.

Bangkang-Papel

Infrared

I know.
Please don't.

Got it?
:]

I'm a blur.

(sketch removed)

Dear you,

It's one of those days when I probe my judgment on you for going way over the edge, mocking me and stripping my scanty self-esteem. It's beyond control. I sigh as I look at our sunny days. I think they're much more worthy than my annoyance. Forgiveness always seems to find its place no matter how gloriously I'm hating you.

Wordy

(sketch removed)

Two

quick as the wind. silent as your gaze.
the walls have eyes. the words have ears.
be afraid. be very afraid.

SWMC Housemates

Mga alaala mula sa nagdaang training namen sa loob ng bahay ni kuya.

Madami sana akong sasabihin kaso inaantok ako. Enjoy the pics, yung high-res nasa Multiply account ko.

To the left, to the left..

We were parked at the U.P. Oval under the swathe of stars. The moon was amusingly low that it looked like a big, perfectly rounded fireball of a nearby lamp post. The whiff of freshly cut grass accompanies the scene of seven youth leaders eating, laughing and savoring the moment. We were lying and connecting every constellation we could find; amazed at the celestial bodies flaunted above us. We were an incomplete family but it was a beautiful night.

Chimee + Dodong + Selecta + SuperKei + YMA + Marco + Crushie *camera flashes* equals...

Sa UP Oval yan. Kain. Kwento. Stargaze. Tawanan. Cam-whoring. At ginawang tripod yung hollow block haha beggarish ang level naten. Courtesy of Chimee ang pics :)

It was around 9pm when we decided to chill the night at Starbucks (where else? diba).

Ganito ang gusto kong ET, after ng tawanan at kasayahan...may moment. –Mark.

So true. It was a cozy night with a sensible discussion. A serious discussion which led to a string of hilarious predictions of the future church leaders/staff:

(paunawa) katuwaan lang po ang mga yan at walang personal na bahid sa mga jokes--you know us :)

• Matt - future Senior Pastor
• Kimpee - future Chairman of the Board
• Elai - future ate Terry
• R.A. - future lola Roming
• Kei - future Dra. Lynn
• Mark - future Youth Pastor (go Febias! Wag na kasing mamundok)
• Ate Mimi - future Cherryll Forster (oh how ironic is the size!)
• Eunice - future YMA
• Justin - future Missions Pastor (Pastor Jorge)
  
• Shams - future tita Bolen--Missions Mobilizer (hmm..asawa ni Justin?)
  
• Ate Ai - Golden Ladies Core Member
• Ate Jean - nasa GCF na
• Kim - nasa Deaf Ministry na
• Osep - future Pastor Rey Mac (Worship Department)
• Josh - future Osep
• Mikel - future Kuya Nelson (with the guitar and electricity)
• Micah - future Kuya Rey San
  
• Merill - future tito Jun Directo
• Ate May - future Tita Emma
  
• Anding - future Ate Carol (busy-busyhan)
• Patrick - future Kuya Joel (lagi kasing Physical Arrangement)
• TJ - future Kuya Jeff (cyempre partner ni Patrick)
• Pito - future Doc Marven
• Osan - future tita Irene (Social Concern)
  
• Joy - future Teacher Ace (SCE)
• Joanna - future……? (uhm..bat nga pala wala kay Joanna?)

byutifool! isa pa! byuuuuutifool! UGH! :)

Deranged

I do but I can't coz I'm not and you are.

Semi-Archi

Design your own dental office. Individual project namen sa Dental Practice & Management (akalain n'yo may subject na ganon). Masaya rin pala maging archi, kase you get to dream BIG. Kaya ayan, mukhang hotel na bahay na clinic yung office na ginawa ko hehe, dream naman e :)

ps. sinuman ang magsasabing panget ang gawa ko ay mas panget.

Pandora's Box

The discernments you've been pondering for the longest time are now validated. The fragile things that you know, the secrets you've been keeping and what you've been praying for are now unfolding right before your eyes. It's like seeing the broken parts of an extremely sturdy lion and not being able to tell anyone, not even the lion himself that you know something's not right.

I speak to you not as someone privileged and cursed. I speak not even as a youth leader. I speak to you as a fellow Christian. We are in one boat, we are in one faith and I believe that we are in one God. Let us not speak for self-righteousness nor partiality. Rather, let us speak in pure love and beseech His grace that all of us may see love even in the most heartbreaking situation. I ask you to pray with me. I ask you to be stronger and to hold on to what we are really here for.

Pikshurs, pikshurs

Kita-kits sa "Stargazing" on April! :) sa gabi yun ah. (malamang diba..)

ps.
*cheers to Shams our newly Febias graduate (Magna Cum Laude lang naman)
*ayoko muna makakita ng pansit sa mga susunod na araw.

Sa Putong Ube

girl: Ang tagal kitang hinintay!
boy: Manloloko ka! Niloko mo ako!
La-dee-da!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!
Mahal na mahal ko si Eunice, promise! :)

Vengeance is not mine. May araw rin kayo.

- Eunice (la-dee-da!)

salamat sa blog ni ate Ai, naalala ko bigla si Eunice (la-dee-da!).

300

The Spartans said, "No retreat, no surrender!!! Awoo! Awoo! Awoo!"

And so CMT says, "No retreat, we surrender!!! Awoo! Awoo! Awoo!"

Mga Katuruan ng mga Pangyayari (ano?!)

Lesson: Huwag uupo sa pagitan ng dalawang bakanteng silya kung ayaw mong magkagulo lalo ang life. Men, nakagitna ka e!

Lesson: Kung hate ka ng prof mo, bigyan mo siya ng cake at tatawagin ka nyang darling. Presto! chums na kayo! Peace offering kuno kahit wala ka namang ginagawa. Yun nga siguro, wala kang ginawa para sa kanya. Tip: Chocolate Marjolaine at kwentuhan.

Lesson: Ang sagot na maraming dot dot dot (...... or kahit .. lang) ay nangangahulugan pala ng kadramahan para sa ilang tao.

In other news...
Si Gagay ang prinsesa ng brownout. Nabasa ko yung "Lights Out" ni ate Anne sa Multiply? Try nyo basahin minsan at sabay nating i-meet ang mahiwagang lamp post. Aliw! Cyempre isasama naten si ate Anne para makaexperience din tayo.

Taimtim akong nakikinig sa 2nd pew (kahit hindi na nga pew) sa likod ni tita Rica nung vesper. Aba maaga yata akong dumating. The vesperians dissipate twice faster than the morning people. I miss the morning people pero I like less people pag nagsservice ako.

The privilege of suffering empowers us to stand in unity. The disciples are willing to suffer for the sake of preserving unity. A dividing spirit is the enemy of the cross. Whew bigat.

Malapit na ang summer! woohoo! let's go tita Bolen haha! (sorry boys!)

No more black and whites

(sketch removed)

It was all beautiful and happy and it spelled c-h-a-n-g-e with Chucks and colors and last taste for freedom.

i'll be doing my best
i'll see you soon
in a telescope lens.

Napagtripan ang Tagaytay

minsan napapadaan ka lang sa FullyBooked at mapapasama na sa mga lakaran..
minsan kelangang iwanan muna ang work. work over friendship. friendship=time.
minsan kelangang ilang oras lang before ang alis ang pagpaplano mabigla para matuloy ang gimik..
bitbit lang ang mga journals at ang digicam, walang transpo-transpo hala cge anlalakas ng mga loob! let's go mga cowboy!
ocular inspection + starbucks tagaytay = ayos!

para kaming nag-field trip diba?

happy birthday ate Myra, Mimi, MaiMai, YMA, March09! ☺

Bigger things are hurling down my way

..well at least it doesn't kill plus i'm with Somebody kaya bring it on pare! ;)

Finally!

Finally! Apocalypto on LCD! Astig diba?
Finally! one on one with the rabbi himself!
Finally! milkshake with tatay, ate Juana, ate Mirasol, Marco, Mateo and Kimpoy.

bawal ang pork.. bawal ang beans..

Rebecca, uwi ka na :)

Restricted

the world's getting smaller by the minute hence the invitation-reading.

One day

last night, aunt jean asked me if i wanted to join the JASMS team for their recollection. that'd be from 10 am - 5 pm with a group dinner at 7. Since i don't wanna do any clinic work and my lecture starts at 5pm, i said yes.

4:27 am
enjoying an insanely beautiful and weird dream about fast cars and pink chocolates.

6:48 am
woke up and felt like going to school. been wanting to text somebody to inform my cancellation but i couldn't resist my warm blanket and soft pillows. flew back to dreamland.

8:05 am
woke up again and felt like going to school. thought for about a minute whether or not to cancel my JASMS appointment. texted joy to inform ate jean that i'm backing out. the blanket and pillows doesn't wanna let go of me.

8:50 am
awakened by a series of text messages and endless calls.

9:20 am
fully decided to do some clinic work instead. this thing only comes in a blue moon so better do something productive about it. got up while happily singing I Call It Love in the shower. haha seriously!

11:25 am
arrived at school and headed straight to the lockers. picked up the hand instruments and left my things at the the other locker. signed-in at the sterilizing area and check out people at the patient's area. found a good patient. did a mouth examination, x-ray, BP, medical history, diagnosed, dental history, diagnosed again, had my papers approved at the OD section, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

12:45 am
realized i forgot lunch and decided not have one since it is already 1 o'clock. signed out at the sterilizing area. set up. prep the patient. started on the outline form. already at the DEJ.

1:22 pm
finishing the walls. assembled the matrix system. double wedged (sigurista ako e hehe). cavity varnished and started luting. worked on the amalgamator and condensed. anatomically carved and polished. had the case graded by the c.i. thanked and dismissed my patient. cleared. cleaned. pack up. went back to the sterilizing section. then patient's area.

2:20 pm
did the 11:45 routine.

3:14 pm
set up (good thing i have sterilized 2 sets of hand instruments). prep the patient. and secretly loaded the cartridge and noticed that the patient's getting cold, silent and BP is shooting up.

3:20 pm
prep the patient again, made him tell about his favorite music, handed my super mp3 player to the patient and played Moonlight Sonata. patient started to relax and BP stabilized. was able to do a mandi block on a stabilized patient.

3:26 pm
anesthesia is completely activated. retract. elevate. extracted tri-rooted 36. clean cut, suture, graded by c.i, cleared, dismissed a happy patient and happy clinician started cleaning forceps.

3:45 pm
clinic door banged open and everybody stopped. bomb exploded. managed to smile though everybody's looking. more bombs exploded and was thinking whether or not i am back at dreamland. but no. more shouting. more embarrassment. said "ask him".

3:58 pm
officially over. was still smiling, thinking if i'm gonna laugh out loud or just cry. everybody's still looking. decently walked out of the clinic. headed straight to the lockers. left my things, sat at the reserve section of the library and pretended to read.

4:35 pm
still staring at the book. pretending to read.

5 pm
entered my med jurisprudence class. asked my professor if could go to the clinic because i'm not feeling well but professor decided to dismiss the class instead so i ran towards the exit leaving my entire bag at the locker.

5:50 pm
knocked. ate ai. licensed. salamat. maraming salamat. go jayson!

7:50 pm
said goodbye and headed to meet a friend for dinner.

8 pm
ate (at last!) my only meal for the day. went to Nike to look for shoes but it was closed. decided to go home. realized i'm penniless. decided to walk all the way home. the bag's still in the locker.

9:30 pm
home.

..got it? good.
..didn't get it? better :)

Beautiful Mess

New template.
I love it!
Don't you guys love it too? :)
Next time ko na lalagyan ng mga links.

Hanggang sa muli!

Time

love spells t-i-m-e.
understanding spells t-i-m-e.
discipleship spells t-i-m-e.
wounds spell t-i-m-e.
and friendship spells t-i-m-e.

but you spelled b-u-s-y.

bawat segundo ay tumatakbo.
tumatakbo rin ako kasabay nito.
malayo na ang natakbo ng oras.
malayo na rin kaya ako?

Lugaw..

- ninja

Learning To Breathe

i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
i'm living again, awake and alive

from Switchfoot. Enjoy it --> here.
Ü

Woohoo!

"A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within." - W. Durant

This is definitely a must-watch film for gut-lovers (calling all med students!) and those who are into ancient civilizations, particularly the Mayan civilization. Amazing culture I say, so amazing you don't wanna be living among them hehe. It was set on an island before the time they speak of Yucatek (which by the way sounded like Mandarin because of the popping tones) kaya they have to use subtitles saka para realistic din diba. my overall rating would be a five-star. if taliwas ang opinyon mo, eh.. kanya kanyang trip lang yan. and needless to say, i really don't mind. no pun intended! :)

trivia: kuya do & ate jot were also watching the movie at the same time nung nanunood ako. si ate jot amazed sa *di ko sasabihin para hindi maspoil*

gusto palang panoorin to ni elai (akalain mo si elai!) kaso nauna nako kaya we'll be watching it anytime this week dito sa house. hindi ka-sine ang screen namen pero big screen naren. pwede rin marathon kasi marami pa kaming choices ng dvds hehe. anyone can join, just inform me and bring holy kettle! :) woohoo.

L.O.A.

Akala ko hindi ko makikita ang ngiti mo sa araw na ito.
Salamat kanina
i hug you
:)

Hearts for My Day

Sa lahat ng mga bumati, nansurprise, nakicelebrate at nakaalala, maraming salamat. i feel very much loved. Happy birthday to me and God bless you all :)

Much love everyone! Much love!

Isdang Nawawala

Absent

..delete!
*sobs*

Case Analysis: Unreasonable Reasons & Unjustifiable Justifications

Overkilled transparency is platonic.
Seriously.

Joining the bandwagon

May bangs nako! Thanks to my forever and ever and ever hairstylist Tonton Ong of Bench Fix :D

...at pumapayat na ko ulet! yey! mag-Dent na din kayo haha.

Starbucks and Popcorn

I posted my supposed-to-be last entry for this year pero I want to share and make an entry for those 2 bruhas who just made my day :)

Sabi nga ni Elai, "If you can't come to Starbucks, Starbucks will come to you." They went here sa house and brought Starbucks and popcorn. At kahit anong tanggi ko, para silang manliligaw na makulit haha! I badly need people right now. At in fairness, nameet nila yung dalawang pangunahing love languages ko. Kahit di ko birthday, feeling ko special ako. Nakakatouch =')

Still Standing: Lessons From '06

Being a mother is the greatest blessing of all. Teach and be taught in return. You're gonna say things that will secretly hit you back. And you grow...with them.

People will justify their mistakes no matter how ugly the situation is. We all commit mistakes. And when we do, we are left with 2 choices: humbly admit your fault and live your lesson or blame other people, go away and pretend that you are happy.

You can never a help a person who doesn't even wanna help himself.

Guilt = nagiisip na pinagiisipan siya ng ibang tao.

Being you is hard but being someone else is harder. It's time that I say this, accept whatever you have. You are more than what you copy from other people. Pretension is ugh, simply lame.

Letting go of something is surrendering not just a part of your life but your entire life.

As the year ends, I look back at the things that made me smile and sigh. And all I could say is, "Lord ibang klase po e. Astig!" :)

Aray Ko Po!

Nung mga bata pa tayo pinapalo tayo ng mga magulang natin pag nagkakamali tayo. Hindi natin maintindihan kung bakit nila tayo pinapalo. Kahit ganong paliwanag nila, hindi naten ma-gets na pinapalo nila tayo kasi mahal nila tayo. Wala tayong nakikita non kundi yung sakit ng palo, hindi yung purpose nila at lalong hindi yung pagmamahal nila. Basta masakit yung palo. Unfair. Period.
Pero ngayong malaki na tayo, naiintindihan na natin kung bakit tayo pinalo noon.

Para sa lahat to: kahit gaano kasakit ang dinaranas mo ngayon mula sa iyong mga "magulang", sana hindi lang yung sakit ang makita mo. Kahit hindi mo pa naiintindihan ngayon kung bakit ganyan, sana maintindihan mo na mahal ka nila.

Merry Christmas sa lahat!

All I Want For Christmas Is

...a cake or a biiig pet panda.

what's yours? :)

Halting the speculations

Kawen was away. Been physically (not emotionally) sick. Busy with school/requirements. Really needed to study for Prelims regardless of being sick. Saving money. Without pretense, I say this: I am okay-fine-well-really-good. Any matter people have to deal with me cannot change the fact that I am happy and I ain't worrying about them. I learn. I forgive. I carry on :)

Isa pang Artist of the Month

si ate Imee Aivee.

...sinungaling.
...mapangapi.
...ma-chorva.
...walang paninindigan.
...walang takot sa Diyos.
...sukdulan ang kasakiman.
...suwail, pasaway at walang paggalang.
...walang pangunawa.
...dungo.
...isang masamang tao (kung tao man siya)

ayan Artist of the Month ka na rin. ;P

Artist of the Month

Kanina pa ko tumawag.
Kakauwi ko lang po may mga kelangan lang pong kausapin.
Anak, bakit parang andami mong _____ ngayon.
Mana po ako sayo e hehe.
Mukha nga pero natuto nako sa mga ganyan, di ko na pinapatulan. Kaya pa ba anak?
Natuto rin po ako sa inyo pero hindi ako ganon ka-strong like you.
Ocge sabihin mo saken anu-ano ba yan.
(at nagkwento na, lagot kayo ngayon! haha joke)
Anak be strong pa rin ha.
Opo ma. Aylabyu.
Love you too anak.


...I miss u mum. haffy vertdei :*)

Hands Off

The least I can do is to behave and keep quiet.
Therefore, I will gaze at the stars :)

Heartbroken

The old man standing outside the Appliances Center. Being contented with mall's free air-conditioning and amusing himself with the movie shown on the big TV screen, which you can barely hear because of the thick-glassed window separating privilege and poverty.

The security guard patrolling an overpass along EDSA. Risking his life for a living & keeping himself awake just to stay alive. The one whom I've given some coffee the time I passed the bridge at 10:30 in the evening. He just smiled.

A group of basureros having their lunch along the sidewalk, beside the stinking garbage truck. Eating only-God-can-tell-what-are-those-stuff with bare hands. They were covering their faces. They were eating silently.

The single-legged old manong whom I used to give sandwiches because he looked like my grandfather who passed away. His place has been empty since the last 3 days. I've no idea where he is. He's just gone.

The kid who's been frequently sleeping on the sidewalk with newspapers covering his skinny body. He almost looked dead.

The old woman sitting at the Patient's Area. Waiting all day, even during lunch breaks. Waiting for countless hours just to get a free medical service. Waiting for somebody to come up and talk to her. She doesn't really mind if we're just interns. She doesn't mind if we were unlicensed. She just wanted a better life that she couldn't afford.

I stared at my overpriced food and venti frappucino.
I couldn't even touch them.
Shame.

Reading between the lines and the smiles

Photographs give me exploding senses and emotions. Time warping and cheery and poignant, all at the same time. Every portrait encapsulates a memory and every person in it holds a story to tell...all worth remembering.

New Direction

H2O - Christ is our Living Water. He is our nourishment. And He's all we need as we grow up.

Now, our COC's heading towards a new direction and a lifetime commitment:

Devoue - /de-voo-we/ French word for "committed"

A commitment to devote one's life to winning others to Christ, teaching and training them to follow Jesus as disciples.

"By this is My Father glorified, that you bear much fruit (or winning others);
so will you be My disciples." John 15:8

ps. /de-voo-we/ You should pout when you say voo.

Long day, long post

- I was down with fever yesterday. Thank God I was able to go out today though I was quite low-batt pa.

- Good day. School. Lunch. Taught English. Mall. Talk. Plan. Love (for God) & Life Assessment. Laugh. Kewl. Really good day. Really :)

- I'm starting to consider curling my hair BUUUT one thing was keeping me off: Individuality. Haha, I wanna be quite different though the last time I saw Renel she got the same haircut and the straight hair. Hmmmnn, maybe I should go skinhead ala Portman to really stand out. Huhaha!

How can a goddess not fall?

Hyun Bin.
He's about 3 years older than me.
Fate, sweet fate!
I chocolate you too haha :)
..crushness.

A Sunny Rainshower

Today, God made me realize one thing: I am happy. Truth is, He has always been making me happy. But I was too busy wallowing over heartaches. There could be a drizzle or a storm waiting outside, but!!! today I learned that I got a lot more than rain showers. I got the One who is in control of it. Life is not about fighting the rain with your umbrella. Life is not about running for shelter to keep you warm and dry. And life is not about crying will you savor the rain. Life is about thanking Him and praising Him under any rain. Dancing and singing with a heart of praise. Life is not about tears or wounds. Life is not about fear or silence. Life is not about sadness or anger. Life is definitely not about people. And definitely it's not about you. Life is about how you live each moment with genuine happiness because each moment we live is for Him.

Fragments

You can never finish a book without closing its chapters...

Hierarchy and Subordinates

I can never minds. Likewise, I can always ask. I asked a couple of times but you asked for silence so I kept quiet and never asked again. I guess that makes me valid to say, I wish I could read your mind. When I saw your tears I couldn't hug you, I couldn't even go near you...because I know you didn't want me or any of us to know. I can completely understand though it was such a painful feeling to just stand there and watch you break down. "D" doesn't go with friendship afterall. Sometimes I feel like a child who ain't supposed to know. Who ain't supposed to understand. Who ain't supposed to grow up.

No Hugging Please

At some point we feel alone. These are the moments when we forget how good it feels to cry in front of someone who's just staring at you. We feel much stronger. We learn to clean up on our own. We learn to pray our heartaches to one worthy Being. We learn not to lean on someone who could never be there at all times, contrary to what most people tell us. We realize that there's only one Pillar whom we can rely on.

Uphill from here

I was looking for the stars in the sky but they were all gone. When I bowed down, He made the sea of stars fell down to be within reach.

There are a lot of things to be thankful for. Life is good because He's always been good. But oftentimes we choose not to acknowledge the blessings even in the simplest crisis. Last 3 days? Life-changing. Less mind-challenging. Uber happy.

"Follow Me." He said you can be like Him. He knows you perfectly. I know I'll be facing a lot from this point but never will I run away again. Never will I let boulders crash my soul again. He chose you. He called you.

Blog hop to Dreamworld. We're dead. Yes, we're supposed to die to ourselves and let God live in us. I will never dislike anyone however he condemns the church and our faith but God bless you.

Chill Jill

Everybody's got a choice. And everybody's got a life. You chose a life for your own sake and left me no other choice but to go away. I'm gone. Tables turned. I've endured the life you gave me so now I'll leave you a choice: Go away. Consider the fact you can never put back something that wasn't really there. Consider too that I can read you and the truth is you're still lying to me and to everyone else's faces!!!Note. I am super angry while typing this. Super angry I'm gonna push several Jacks into that well.

Happy Martian

I've never felt this tired and this happy. I was out on the road yesterday for some dental work. It's a part of my newly found ministry. Social work as my friend (Dustin) puts it. Does Allison do the social work stuff? Anyway, for surgery-loving creatures out there, I got something to say: Muliple tri-rooted exo and Odontectomy. *laughs manically*. I was the only student among the 10 dentists so they let me do all the hardest cases (ahem,ahem...independently *big grin*). I love my life so much. I got a pair of literally bloody hands. I now don't really care about the exhaustion and the back pain but I do care about the blood. Cool stuff. It suddenly made me want to live again. I am so happy,happy,happy. I shut up now. I'm so high. :)

Follow your heart, give a neuron

They said that memories are treasured in our hearts...I never believed that. Medicine said that the oldest cells in the human body are the neurons. Brain cells. They last a lifetime. We never really treasure memories in our hearts. Situations never make your heart swirl from all the confusion. The heart doesn't keep you up at night thinking and pondering. The heart isn't the one who mocks you and asks 'why?' People in the past never really broke your heart. It just so happen that you gave them a special neuron. A cell that lasts a lifetime. That's why we never forget.

Be Real: Fake, as I knew her

People often talk about themselves. But they prefer to hide their confusion and amplify on the good things. They navigate on this non-existence. They say, "I'm so strong" but when temptation knocks they easily and secretly gets lured. They say, "I'm real" but later confess for being the fraud that they truly are. They say, "I trust You, I rely on You" but when ripples emerge they immediately seek comfort from the wrong person...and from the wrong gender. They say their life is so good. Too good, almost perfect. But the truth is when you look at it, it's depressing. They fool other people. And they fool themselves.

How To Save A Life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life.

Lugaw is blessing

Masarap ang lugaw.

Lalo na pag maanghang.

Nakakaiyak sa anghang.

May dahilan na para umiyak.

Walang magtataka kung bakit ka umiiyak.

Walang magtatanong.

Alam mong matapang ka rin

May angking dunong na taglay.

Malayo-layo pa ang dulo.

Matagal pa ang brown-out.

Mabagyo ang daan.

Nakakahilo.

Alam mo na yon.

Share tayo sa payong ko.

A thousand oceans

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Maybe when time goes by, I'll understand

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Who Said I'm Not Okay?

Initially, I constructed this site as a sketchblog--void of words that will directly speak my thoughts. However, there are times that I wanna get away with ambiguity. And this time, I want to (directly) share a bit of inspiration.

I can't say that I have a good life right now but I can say that I have a blessed life. Six months ago, I made a major decision: moving to another university at my 5th year. Call me crazy for we all know that it is more than halfway. A lot of prayers and assessment were laid down before such verdict. I knew it would be better for me since I needed a new environment and I could concentrate more. Part of my deliberation is the sad fact that I'll be missing my dear friends. I'd be going to a new place where every face is a stranger. It took me a lot of determination to step into a new world. But what really motivated me is that I knew that God's with me. He'll never lead me into something which I cannot handle. No matter where I relocate, He's here. Not on a certain university, but with me.

I was able to get the affection of the dean and she let me take a summer class to catch up. As I speculated, nobody in the class would want to talk to me since I bear my former university's iniquitous reputation. I attempted several more-than-hello conversations but they just don't want anything more than being colleagues. Summer was tough but I got over it with hope that the coming school year would be better.

Enter the new school year. I hardly knew anyone but the world knew me. It dubbed me as the new girl. From the 5 months of my stay as the new girl (they couldn't get over it), I was able to define my new world in a simple term: predatory. Dentistry people can smell fear. Every day you need to fight for survival. I thought that building new relationships will be my only complication. Little did I know of the bigger boulders that were ahead.

The next things which I'm gonna write aren't meant for you to judge my credibility in the field. My aim here is to impart something I learned. For technicality, I'd introduce a couple of dental stuff. Anesthesiology is a pre-requisite of Oral Surgery. That implies that you need to master Anesthesiology for a semester before you can do a surgery (for the next semester). You see in my case today, I am taking up BOTH specialties in the SAME semester. The registrar told me that she won't be allowing be to take Oral Surgery since it would be very difficult for a first-timer-in-Anesthesiology to master both subjects at the same semester. But since it was the dean who gave me the permission (though I never really asked for it) to take subject, I got it. It was a high dive. I knew it was a complicated case so I quit every extra-curricular groups/activities/habits I have to be able to study double time. It also meant a 25th hour for me in a day. My case got more complicated when my surgery class sped way ahead in curriculum than my anesthesiology class. My first surgery required me to do an anesthetizing technique (the technique most dentists refuse to do since it was the hardest) which I wasn't taught yet. So I had to go and read at the library for 10 minutes, go back at the clinic and face my patient being a sham in all poise and confidence. I was praying hard while I was doing it. I won't say it was an easy scenario but I got through it. I felt really blessed when the patient thanked me because it was his first surgery which was painlessly done, not to mention that I got a one-shot on the nerve that made the anesthesia work so well. Right block. Long duration. No complications. I couldn't help but sing more praises for God. But the truth is, it could be indeed traumatic for anyone in my scrub shoes.

Fear, it happens all the time. Different cases. Different people. Different emotions to deal with. Everyday is a crazy day. You really don't know what's in store for you every day so you have to be brave or at least act like one. Nobody can tell the difference. And never give up on each battle no matter how simple they are because they'll equip you for the bigger ones.

My mom often tells me that she knew I could make it through a course like this because I am brave. That I can flex into any crowd or situation. That I possess a strong spirit. No mom, I'm not. I just had to. I could cry every time difficulty puts up. I could cry at the countless struggles that I'm juggling for quite a long time. If only I could. Maybe someday when things feel better, I could let it all down in one good cry.

From the 5 months (and counting) of my stay in my new school as the new girl,

I've learned that the clinic departments are not jam-packed all the time.

I've learned that we don't have dental laboratories outside the school so you really need to learn to take/develop an x-ray, polish dentures and make your own casts.

I've learned that my classmates are snobs but are quite good in the clinic.

I've learned that the lockers were cheaper.

I've learned that agents don't exist, you have to predate for your own patient.

I've learned how to maximize the use of the library.

I've learned to be independent.

I've learned that I can do it, I just have to convince myself that I can.

I've learned that you shouldn't cry but you should do something.

I've learned that you couldn't win unless you fight.

I've learned that there's always a way and you just have to find it.

I've learned that you just have to fully trust God and you will feel His presence along the rough road. You just have to be firm.

I can't say that I have a good life right now but I can definitely say that I have a bloody, blessed life :)

Broken Dreams & Shattered Promises

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Sunset Sunrise

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Kei, meet world. World, meet uhm..never mind.

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Martians Got Sensors Too

A heartbreak isn't always as loud as an exploding bomb.
Sometimes it can be as quiet as a tear falling
and the most painful thing is nobody hears it...but you.

I ain't stupid. IT just hurts for u.

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